Yesterday my whole world changed! Change is inevitable and for me it is welcomed, but sometimes it is hard to take.
Yesterday at 6:20 am I put my 21 year old son on a Greyhound bus. Yes, he is my baby. We left the house at 3:20 am and shared a few tender moments before heading back to South Florida.
I knew this day would come, to him South Florida is home. He finally made that decision, the one that only parents could understand. I did it to my parents and they did it to their's, in my eyes, today my 21 year old son became an adult. My son moved out on his own.
I am no rookie at this, been down this road two times before. You would think it gets easier, Nope, it sure doesn't, it's change and sometimes change is scary. I admit it "Empty Nest Syndrome," once again. Boy does it ever hurt!
I could not wave the bus goodbye, I used to do that when he went on field trips at school. What a privilege to watch him grow up! A gift. In honor of Bob I said goodbye to him, The "Bobby Miller" way. Quick and to the point but what was expressed, really meant something. Yes that was Bob and the way he did things.
I hugged him and told him I love him, it was then I realized just how much I was going to miss him. Things won't be the same. Daily life without Bob, how will I be able to do it? I walked away fast, I didn't look back, I just got in my car and drove. I managed through the day the best way I could but it was quite obvious and most everyone knew. It was one of those moments I could not hide what I was feeling. I could not wait for the day to end.
I talked to him later in the day, he sounded calm and very happy, that alone was all that I needed to ease my mind. We agreed that we would give everyone time to adjust and I would visit in June. I felt good after talking to him but not as good as I should, I really missed him and still was not sure just how I was going to adjust.
Then it hit me, I remembered a few things, things I strongly believe, thoughts that have always helped me through some of life's challenges, thoughts that I hoped to get me through this:
- I am never given more than I can handle.
- I am never alone.
- Every event in your life prepares you for something much bigger, bigger than we can imagine at this moment.
This morning, I woke up refreshed and well rested. I spent some time alone with my thoughts. As I enjoyed the peace and quiet, I felt a sense of peace. I wondered what I was going to do?
One of my favorite characters came to mind.....
"I can't let him go. I can't. There must be some way to bring him back. Oh I can't think about this now! I'll go crazy if I do! I'll think about it tomorrow. But I must think about it. I must think about it. What is there to do? What is there that matters? Tara! Home. I'll go home. And I'll think of some way to get him back. After all... tomorrow is another day..... Scarlett O'Hara
I think she said it best, tomorrow is another day!
Midori,
What a touching way to share your feelings. I'm sorry that you're feeling the loss but you both will be better for it. It just hurts for now.
Lucky :)
Wow....that brought back memories of when I took my daughter to the airport...it was right after 911 so our airport was...drop off and leave with feds all over. So I was trying to hug her and help her with her bags and looking at her face trying to glue every little crease in my mind.....I tried to be strong....and after she was walking away and i got in the car....I layed in my husbands lap and just sobbed! Oh, the feeling of being a wounded animal!
Okay....I'm back now...but I feel for you....it's a womanly mother thing..roger. hahaha
Lucky-Thank you for your words of comfort. I feel a little ridiculous but it's real. It's always a pleasure, I wondered where you had been?
Neal-I really believe what you are saying. I am a major softy! I also linked you to this post along with Maggie, it's my way of saying thank you for being such good friends!
Roger-I know you are right and congrat's to you! I figured it would be a piece of cake this time around, 1st or last it doesn't matter. You are right, I am proud!
Sally-Yes it is a mom thing, I definitely felt wounded, I also felt proud, and excited. Thank you for sharing this with me, I sometimes feel too much like a mommy.
Midori,
I've been around. With AR getting so big now it's impossible to keep up with all these posts. I'll try to not be a stranger, okay?
Lucky :)
Midori,
Thank you very much for noticing. It is a lot of work, however, it will be good for all of us when the public starts hitting it harder.
Lucky :)
Lucky-You are right! Get your name in front of the public!
Ardell-Thank You, it's quite flattering coming from you! Well, that will be something to look forward to, just hope it doesn't happen just yet! Right now it's the shock of it all.
Midori...
I can relate soooo well. Actually as I write this comment. I have tears. My oldest daughter who is 19 os off at college in another state. She calls, but is such an independent person, she never needs anything. I keep hoping for that, "Mom, I need some help". You know, just because I am mom!!
Then my 18 year old, is at basic training right now. She told me on the phone that she has pretty much been promised a ride to Iraq. While the decision was completely hers, and I celebrate what she is doing, knowing the consequences, it doesnt ease the worry.
Then I still have a 15 year old and a 5 year old at home. I have some time before I am an empty nester, but I am already looking at it with sadness and happiness. I really enjoy seeing my kids grow up and the adults they are becoming. However, the thought of them not being around is sad. By that time, I should have a couple grandchildren to spoil, so all is good and I can send them home :-)
Midori,
Congratulations on the feature!
You definitely deserve it!
Lucky :)
Brande-Now you got me in tears! I believe everthing will be ok. You really have a lot on your plate. We just have to remember they are our children and they have pieces of ourselves in them. I just hope Bob got the right pieces of me! Yes grandkids, they always save the day. Thanks for sharing your life with me and I really appreciate your comments.
Lucky-Thank You....
Midori,
Hang in there Mom, it will get better. It's probably more difficult, because he's your youngest...the last. At times we're eager to see our first born move ahead, but then with the last one, we almost want to hold the back, to keep them longer.
For me personally, it happens when I see a young mom with a son about 10-12, at times like that, I long for the days when my son was that age.
My best to you!
Midori.....
You are a mom and you are supposed to feel this way... he is your son......
BUT.....he is growing up and you have to let him..... be there for him if he makes mistakes or wants to ask advice......YOUR guidance is and always should be there 24 hrs a day 365 days every year... you are a parent.....
Enjoy YOUR new found FREEDOM....that is one way of looking at it, sis.....
=-D
Hi Midori
Young adults have amazing networking skills. They also have tremendous bonds with family. As your son transitions into his newly found freedom take stock in knowing he will still reach out for you. He is only as far away as the phone. You have put something very important on hold for a long time. Yourself. A little self soothing goes a long way. Take that time...regroup, and reconnect with who you are. You will always be his Mom.
It is comforting to know there are so many of us, who have gone through or are going through the same thing. And while part of you feels the crushing sadness, the other part is laying in wait, to rediscover the woman inside of the Mom.
Midori, what a touching story. I know that you know this is for the best, but it still hurts to let our babies out into the big bad world without us right around the corner to come running when they need us. My almost 16 year old told me the other day that she had decided to stay local for college and I cheered inside. I had not been doing well just thinking that she would be so far away after high school. The little one told me last month that she wants to live with me forever. I asked her if she planned on getting married and she said her husband better agree to have me in the same house. She made me crack up, but I don't think so!! I need MY independence.
Please give your son my number, in case he ever needs anything sooner than you can get it to him! I look forward to next month when you come to town so we can meet. And thank you for the link. That was very sweet of you. Rock on Momma.
Lynda-Yes it is hard because he is the baby! I know that everything will be ok. I am proud and happy for him, for me I just miss him so.
Jeff- I think its a process, a process that I knew would happen naturally, I think as hard as I tried to prepare, you really can't do it so easily. I know this is where he needs to be, this is where I am supposed to be, I only wish it didn't hurt my heart so much in the process. Thank you for your kinds thoughts, each day will get easier.
Alex-My new pillar of strength-Thank you for your comments and you are right all the way down the line. Yes I do and will appreciate my new found freedom!
Allison-You are right, he called last night but I missed his call and he gave me a run down on what was going on. I did hear in his voice, something he will never have if he lives with me forever and that is independence. My children and I have a very special bond and I thank God everyday for it. It was just us 4 for many, many years. I know it will get easier and I know now if finally all about me! Thank you for your kind words.
Maggie-Thank You and I will make sure that I get your info to him. That means so much to me. The link is the least that I can do. It my way of letting you know how much I have appreciated our new found friendship. And yes now I have even more reasons to head you direction and yes I will give you the date and I can't wait to meet you finally!
Carole-You are right, the gift of giving. I now understand my mother so much more. Thanks for stopping by and sharing.
Lysa-Thank you and we all did our best Friday. Yes I do feel better today, but it hasn't been easy. I have the best support and I know that regardless of what happens I have many great people by my side. You are one of them.
I have three seniors graduating from high school next week! Bittersweet. THere have been stuggles to get them all over that line!
I'm trying not to get too blue. One of their friends was killed in a motorcycle accident Friday. His mom has it far worse than I do.
http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2007/may/05/estero_teen_who_died_was_ready_laugh_lived_life_ed/?breaking_news
Chris-3 Seniors? Are they triplets. YES, we had many struggles but the love of a family can make all the difference. I agree I am a lucky one, while children are getting hurt or going off to war, I can understand what other's are going through. I am sorry Chris for your loss and I can't even fathom nor would I want to ever feel the pain your friend must be feeling. I almost felt ashamed writing about this as I understand it is a natural process of life but honestly, it doesn't make it easier to take. I really appreciate your comments and thoughts and sincerely appreciate the reality check! Thank You and Congrats to you 3 seniors at once. AMAZING!
Gena-Yes good old Scarlett, she has helped in more than one occasion. Figures that she is my FAVORITE character in the movie. You are so right I am proud and I feel accomplished. Truth is motherhood is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had. Thanks, I feel well supported and truthfully this time I needed it!
Bryant-I know you dad's are really proud, my dad would tell me to buck up and be proud! and with great reason. I know it must have been hard for TLW, her heart is as big as the rest of her besides she is a mom. Grandchildren, in laws, yes that is something to really look forward to. I appreciate you stopping by and THANK YOU for sharing.
They're my only three (not counting the dog)
The two short ones are the twins.
When our oldest daughter left for college and when any of them moved out, it was harder for me than when they started to school which is what my Mom always found hard.
They range in age from 45 to 36 and I would still try to get them to move back home! One batch eased my misery by letting me babysit two little kids for them. Boy, when they left, I and the australian shepherd who shared my responsibility really were blue.
Here's my take on it -- if their leaving didn't bother you, you didn't do it right.
Chris-Your children are beautiful and you should be proud. Wow, just gorgeous. lots of love in your family and it shows. thank you for sharing these photo with us and you did good!
JudyAnn-You are right, it is always harder on us. You are right again, I will keep that thought with me. Our cat Sammy, siamese, is feeling it and has been hard to live with without Bob. We found him in Bob's old room laying on top of a few things that I will bring to Bob later. Thank you for your insight, for me I need it and you happened to say the right words.
Marci-Oh, please don't cry. It is very hard but I know deep down it was time. I can't be selfish otherwise the world will never know what I know! That is just how great Bob is. Just make sure and love that boy of yours, there is nothing like a mother and son relationship. Thank you for dropping by and making me feel better, knowing I am not alone.
Midori...
I still feel the pangs of the ENS occasionally. I really miss our Sons. Although I see them, their wives and our Grandchildren often I miss having them around. I spent a lot of time with our Sons and I miss playing with them :)
TLW...ROAR!
"Ardell-Thank You, it's quite flattering coming from you!"
Well then let me say more :) I am absolutely in awe of any Mom who is genuinely and always connected to their children. Many fault me for putting my children first, so I am always happy to see other Mom's who are not afraid to tell the world that our children affect our lives, no matter how old those children are.
I have a very hard time respecting women who write their children off when they reach a certain age. Not fair of me, I know. But I just can't get close to people who cheat on their spouses or who don't adore their children. It's a shortcoming of mine, I know. But I just can't shake it.
I once met a Realtor who I liked a lot online. But when I met him at a convention he was making a practice of sleeping with married women. I never felt the same about him again. He lost my respect forever.
Is that unfair of me?
Ardell-WoW...you made my day! For starters I have a lot of respect for you. I always appreciate a person telling it like it is! I always wanted to tell you that! So here I did.
Next let me say, fortunately my parents have never given up on me in 44 years! That is the least I could do but give it right back to my children. I don't think it is unfair of you at all to decide, we determine who and what we want in our lives, that is the beautiful part of life, choice!
I have a son I adopted that had difficulty in understanding relationships with other people, I have told him and many other people. In my mind, People love the best way they know how, and to me it is learned behavior and passed on from generation to generation. It has helped me to continue to move forward in some of my very best relationships.
To me, my purpose is my children, I was blessed with them, I nurtured them, I built my world around them, I included them, to me my work will never be done! I learned that from my mom and she learned it from her mom and hopefully as they become parents my children will do the same!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, I really do appreciate them!
Midori, As I sit hear reading this I have tears in my eyes. For you and for me. I have an almost 15 year old son and two daughters 10 & 8. My sons's father in in South Carolina and my girls father had lived in Florida, until recently. For the past 6 years my children have always gone and spent the summer with their fathers and my husband and I were always grateful for "the break." Maybe it wasn't so bad because I knew they were coming home. A couple of months ago my son came to me and said, "I want to go live with my dad for a year." He didn't meet his biological father until he was 8 and he has asked for the past 6 years when he could go live with him. I always told him maybe when you're 15 or 16, this was my way of saying never without saying never. Now I realize that my baby is getting older, he will be a Sophomore in HS next year and before I know it I am going to blink and he will be graduating and moving out on his own. I have agreed to let him go to his Father's, I keep telling myself its only for a year. What happens when he says I want to stay with dad, I don't want to come home. I can't imagine this happening but there always a possibility.
I moved away from my mom and dad with my 2 yo son at the age of 19. After 6 years I came home, I now live 1/2 mile away from my parents and I will never leave them again. My brother passed away almost 3 years ago and we three need each other in so many ways. I believe that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. I have to quote JudyAnn on this one "...if their leaving you didn't bother you, you dind't do it right." Thank you for sharing this with us and I am sorry that I began rambling here, I have a tendency to do that. :-)
JudyAnn-I agree!
Laura-I understand everything you are going through. You and I must e-mail ! Let's just say we have lots in common. Honestly it might be theraputic! It is my pleasure to have met you and I will be in touch with you soon.
Kay-I know it was not an easy decision for him but I am very proud of him! Thank you for stopping by.
Wow, this post was really emotional for me too. I really feel for you. You've obviously been a great mom to your son. When our children go away(mine leaves in two years so I'm not there) they eventually come back but in a different way.
I'm dreading the day my daughter Jordan leaves-she's all I've got.
Tracy-Jordan is gorgeous. Yes I agree they do come back a different way. Bobby has called me twice since he left and I know this is a big adjustment for him as well. His big brother tells me everything will be ok and I know that he is right. I have been down this road with him as well. Today is a little easier and I think every day that passes will make things easier. Thanks for stopping by.
Ryan-I know it is a natural part of life but it sure does not make it any easier. I guess my best advice is to get him ready for his journey on his own and always keep the communcations open. You can't believe the free time I do have now. It's different but is ok and I know will get easier. Thank you for stopping by and sharing.
Midori,
My daughter is only 11 so I have a while to reflect on that.
Neal-It will hit you harder, why, because just as their is no relationship like mother and son, there is nothing like the father and daughter relationship. Ahhh, now that would be hard. I saw and remember what my daddy went through and it is definitely harder. We worry more for the girls and with good reason. I agree with everything you said before, it makes sense to me and I really understand it, its just not so easy to take. But as each day passes it has gotten easier, why, because it's his life and this is what he wanted and I respect him and the decisions that he has made for himself. If and when you meet Bob, I think you will, there is a good chance, you will understand. Looks so much like me, has many of my traits. What he has developed as his own isn't too shabby either. Yes I am proud! Thank you Neal for being supportive, you are a good online friend.
(A good phone friend too) Won't be long before we meet face to face! I really look forward to it
Midori,
What a touching post. All parents go through this. It's not easy. I can't imagine what it feels like since I don't have my own children, but I sure can understand how my mother and father felt when I left the "nest".
Midori,
You are wearing it on your shoulder! I do understand, and he will be fine he's in good hands. I remember what you told me he bought before he left. You did a good job!! He will make you proud I know it.
I am going through this right now. My youngest daugther is moving out soon. I am a single parent and it hurts really bad to see her leave. She is moving in with her boyfriend and I feel lost already. I do not know what to do with myself. I am back in college again but still i look for her every day to see her coming up the alley bring a smile to my face and watching her coming down the steps every day in the morning now I wont see that any more. i dont think i can deal with this separation.
Marlene, my heart goes out to you, and I'm glad you have Midori to lean on here.
Midori, I'm glad it's getting a little easier, and sorry you had your first Christmas without them there. Stay strong my friend.
Red-tears are rolling down my face...I am so sorry in the way that you feel but I can tell you care so much and have concerns with great reasons...you are her mom....her one and only mom...but the one and only mom did something incredible...you gave her life...a good life...and she knows it and she won't forget it I promise...it will feel like she did but she won't....you know how young adults are...everything in their own time! Just like us....we did it our parents and they did it to theres...and as hard as it is its the natural order of things...
You have to know the way you are reacting to things is very normal and a piece of you....willl be missing in a sense but what will emerge as a grown up....a beautiful young woman who has so many talents....so much for you to be proud of... and honestly not only a daughter to be proud of but a better friend. If ever you want to e-mail and chat...please..do so!
Funny thing...all of my boys went through similiar things...you know the black raven hair....except the boys chose green or mohawks...or spikes...and as painful as it was sometimes going through the tough things...man my boys have made me proud! All musicians and all artists....funny thing two of them got their hands on a tatoo gun....yup that is what they want to do for a living...!
It never goes away the feelings BUT we can do more in our own lives to make easier to swallow. I am glad you found me. Happy New Year Red...make the best year yet! Again...I mean it...e-mail me if you like! :) midorimiller@yahoo.com
Midori - I have two: Sascha is 29 already and lives in DC on his own! I still miss him terribly! He went to Rollins College in Winter Park, so he has been gone a while! He moved home after college for 2 years, then off to DC. It doesn't get easier - I miss him so much, but know he is well and happy!
My daughter, Corinna, is 27 and I am now living with her and the baby. When I lived down in the Port Charlotte area she missed me, but her boyfriend was the substitute - when the baby came and her relationship with him was getting rocky she asked me to move home and I did. So we 3 girls live together, but I still miss Sascha on a daily basis.
We did it to our folks and it is the way of life. Knowing they are well and happy and doing what we can to make their life easier - that is all we can do!
Oh my gosh! There is no way you have a 21 year old son!!! You are too young!
I'm a little late, but I just had to say that!!!
oh my josh!!! such a heartwarming story
its actuly 2009 not 2008 soz just had 2 say that
WOW such a touching story